Hmm, so I guess I haven't been around Vox in a little bit.  I'm home for the holidays and have therefore been occupied with work, Christmas shopping, baking cookies, and other such enjoyable pursuits.

Some noteworthy things that have happened in the past week or so:

1) I arrived at home, went to watch Janna's dance team perform, and almost immediately afterward hauled my ass to Jackson to be a lovable stalker.

2) Went to the late showing of Home Alone and discovered exactly how much of it I know word for word.  (answer: a lot.)  We then went to Denny's and it was snowing a little.

3) Saw Boondock Saints II with Paul.  Screw what the reviewers say; it was awesome.  I loved how many shoutouts there were to the first movie. 

4) I returned to work.  My manager is not nearly as annoying as she was over the summer, and has apparently whipped the place into shape since I was last there.  I also got to see my favorite coworker, George (or Sasha on the weekends).

5) I found fun Christmas presents for all of my friends and family members.

6) I had breakfast with Lauren and Paige at Panera.

7) I had an epic party last night.  The last of the guests didn't leave until almost 4.  Mulan, the Random Book, cookies and cake and fizzy grape juice, Telephone Pictionary, really long Burger King runs, exchanging of gifts, illustrating the Sex Deck, "That's what she said!", and late-night rantings about people we hated in high school.  Good times.

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As you may have gathered from the numerous poems I've been posting over the past few months, I had a really fun poetry class this semester.  Now, don't get me wrong; I like writing poetry as it is, but what really made the class fun was my professor.  He is crazy in the best way and I think I have at least one Random Book quote for every day of class.  This class was the only one I consistently looked forward to every day, and for that I think he deserves a lot of appreciation.

So what I'm going to do is this - first I'm going to post several more poems from the packet I turned in last week, then I'm going to finish up the post with a number of quotes from the man himself.  Pete Davis, I salute you.

If My Favorite Movies Are to Be Believed

Flat tires will lead to unplanned sexual encounters

                and a broken wheelchair.

All murder mysteries have three possible solutions.

Police officers can be stopped in their tracks

                by chanting “Love,” six times in succession.

Robots frequently have human emotions.

Stalking is okay as long as the stalker is an opera buff,

because then

he just becomes that weird guy

who lives in your basement.

Never wish your siblings away to David Bowie.

                (Or, alternatively, always do this.)

Barry Manilow does not, in fact, know you raid his wardrobe.

Drag queens find strange ways to make money

                and any handy café table

                will easily support the weight

                of ten dancing people.

Fifteen minutes is sufficient time to traverse the city of Berlin on foot,

                but only if you run fast enough.

                                (It’s okay, though;

                                you get two do-overs.)

You will keep forgetting about that goddamn tiger.

Booby traps can still be fully functional

                after hundreds of years,

                so for god’s sake, don’t pull that string you found in the dust.

No one will notice if you are serving people other people.

There is no limit to the number of times the word

                                FUCK

                can be used in a sentence.

                (Also, keep your guns away from that cat.)

That word doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Even important political figures dance to the radio

                when they think no one is looking.

Under certain circumstances, you CAN cross the streams.

Magic Trick

I carry a short length of chain in my pocket

in case I need to make a quick escape.

The trick is simple;

                you just can’t let the audience

                see the slack.

Sweet Tooth

I’m up to my waist in French silk

chocolate

goo

real whipped cream

                and curliques

with enough slices left

                                to feed a small army

                                (but not my family).

Plus four pumpkin pies, apple, blackberry

                and two kinds of cheesecake.

                (Try the peanut butter cookies

                with canned whipped cream.)

Never enough.

I will neither confirm nor deny

                that this is my fault.

And now...the quotes.

"You're driving a car and you're like, 'Oh my God, what is Bob Dylan telling me to do???'"

"I'm thinking about the junior high and the high school kids and the having the sex."

*looks at me intently* "What, are you making SENSE over there?"

"Wouldn't it be awesome if we just woke up one day and they were like, 'There's no more internet.  Some kid ate it.'"

"People usually lose their virginity.  That's the whole point of having the damn thing, so you can get rid of it someday."

"It's banana...No!  It's a popsicle!"

"You stutterer!  Go run around the field until you can talk better!"

"When you're sleeping, you're really just participating in BRINGING PEOPLE DOWN."

"The snakes are like 'Wooooo!  I'm gonna come eat you!'"

"I don't remember what day it was, but it was a day, trust me."

"The old think-melon's working great today, guys."

"I read about a guy who made a bear suit, and I was thinking, that's probably like...a house.  'Cause, you know, that would work.  Bears could never attack you."

"Hmmm, we don't have any condoms.  That's okay, we'll use abortion."

"Simple is way better.   I prefer walking to hurdling."

"I like this idea of us all being murderers."

"Hey, let's get some food, adulterated."

"God is dealing out abortions as he sees fit."

"I can imagine if I licked this table, it would have a taste.  A table-y taste."

"I love...headlice."

"Do we really need a book of poetry devoted to Hitler's mustache?  The answer is...yes..."

"Juicy slice.  Juicy sliiiiiiice."

"All I can think of was how Max was humping the bed, and my wife was like, 'Max is humping the bed!' and I was like 'Get used to it, honey.'"

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Here is kind of how my day went:

1) I was awakened before my alarm went off by a phone call from the guy who was coming to pick up the mini-fridge that I rented from his company, telling me he was stuck in traffic in Indianapolis and would be about half an hour late.  Good, I figured, more sleep.  So I slept in a little bit and got up in what I thought was going to be plenty of time.  I went down to the front desk, checked out an elevator key and a cart (read: laundry bin) and spent an uncomfortable fifteen minutes trying to wrangle the fridge into the bin, the bin into the elevator and then down the hall, across the street and around the next building to the place I was supposed to bring the fridge.

There were then stairs, which luckily the guy helped me navigate.  I returned the fridge and then had to haul the empty laundry bin up a different set of stairs to return it.  Again, luckily, I was helped with this.  I returned the things to the front desk with just enough time left to make it to class, which would be good except for the fact that I was going to fill out an independent study form before class and I didn't have time to do that.

2) I watched three presentations in media class that, while entertaining, were also kind of painful to watch.  One of them clearly had involved no research into what is involved with being transgender, and the other two had some glaring anachronisms.  (The skits were supposed to take place in the 90's, and one of them involved texting, sleek laptops and iPods; the other one was a Twilight parody.  Just...don't.)

3) Biology class took way longer than anyone wanted it to; in the meantime, I was developing a headache.  After class I went back to my room and slept for about half an hour in the hopes of sleeping it off; no dice.  Because of this, I couldn't fully enjoy the party we had in poetry class, although I will admit it was fun nonetheless.

4) It started raining and hailing, which not only washed away what little snow we've gotten and made the ground ridiculously soggy, but also managed to be simultaneously gross and painful as I walked from class to class.

5) I had a group meeting directly after poetry class, for which I was basically no help due to the extent of my headache.  Luckily for me, my group members are awesome and let me leave early so I could nap for a couple of hours before work, which is where I am now.  Luckily, the second nap did manage to clear up about 85% of the headache, which made it manageable.

On the bright side, I did compose a little poem that makes me feel slightly less depressed about the weather.

Warm December

I've stopped asking where the snow is,

because now I know;

the snow is off somewhere fucking the rain.

It must be good, too, because

lately they've been coming together,

and when that happens

we all have to deal with the mess.

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We have to write ten poems for next Thursday's class.  Here are two of them.  The first one should not be taken as a commentary on my mental state; it's meant to be dark humor.

Creative Suicide

Take a tip from a frozen pole

and make out with an iceberg.

Lips, tongue and teeth.

             (You know you like it.

              That jarring stabbing pain

              just masks the pleasure.)

Stuck fast.

Success.

Now call on Thor

               (he owes you a favor)

or maybe just that friendly orca you saw

on the way over.

                (you know, the one with the seal carcass

                 trailing blood?)

In any case, something heavy and blunt.

Use some force to

CRACK

and you're going down.

When the waves disappear over your head

you'd better pray

that the light fades

and your heart freezes

and your lungs implode

and you die

before the gulpers find you.

Snacking

Apple slices, peel still attached, doused in spiced yogurt.

Blue cheese crumbles and Wheat thin crackers.

Watery soup (steak and potato).

Banana, sliced thin by shaky hands.

Half-melted chocolate bar.

None of these things should be eaten together.

When will it snow?

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The holidays are in full effect, so tell us: What's your favorite holiday song? Bonus points if you share it with us!

River Meets The Sea

This song has been a part of my life since I was old enough to understand the lyrics.  Both this movie and the John Denver and the Muppets Christmas album (which also includes the song) have been staples in my family Christmas celebration for as long as I can remember; we watch the movie every year on Christmas Eve (along with Raymond Briggs' The Snowman ) and listen to the album while we decorate the tree.  (For a long time we had it on vinyl; now we use a CD.)  So this song is not only beautiful; it's also deeply emotionally linked to every stage of my growing up.

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Here are some things I did over Thanksgiving:

1) Got some new clothes at Plato's Closet, including a dress that I love, but I'm not sure where I would wear it.

2) Hung out with my cousin's new husband, who is a pretty cool guy.

3) Watched my rambunctious younger cousins use a fluffy duvet as a landing pad.

4) Ate less pie than usual because my favorite kinds were absolutely demolished in no time.  Clearly our family needs to start buying more French silk pie.

5) Watched The Muppet Christmas Carol, Juno, Disney's American Legends, Up, and part of The Sphere.  Boy, is that ever a weird movie.

6) Decorated Christmas cookies.  One of them was an Eddie gingerbread man, but it didn't look as good as I meant it to because the icing was kind of runny, so it quickly stopped being a vest and started being a jacket.  My cousins thought it was supposed to be Elvis.

7) Hung out with a lot of KDI people at Embassy Suites.

8) Went to happy hour and established that the bartenders at that hotel aren't particularly good.

9) Bought a lot of CDs on clearance at an already cheap bookstore.  (When I say "a lot" I mean 14, and when I say "clearance" I mean I got them for a dollar apiece.)

10) Went to the KDI reunion.  Drank about three water bottles in the space of two hours, which was probably more than I needed, but oh well.

11) Apparently missed out on some gossip.

12) Got smoothies.

13) Tried to find some jeans with a wide waistband, to no avail.

14) Janna spent the night in my dorm room.  Boy, was that crowded.

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WILL EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT NEW MOON ALREADY??

Seriously.

I am sick of every other blog entry, status update, etc. being about this damn movie.

Let me say, just for the sake of fact, that I did read the entire Twilight series.  I am one of those people who believes in having information before I talk about it, so I read the series so I could see what all the fuss was about (or not).  It was ehh, okay.  I read them once, was okay with it, and then did not care whether I ever read them again.  I was rather apathetic about the whole thing.

Unfortunately, the crazy fans ruined everything for me and made me actively hate this series.  These are some of the things that bother me:

1) I am sick of hearing about the actors in the film being accosted by insane fans.  Seriously.  They are people, not the characters they portray, and either way I doubt they want to sign your underwear.  On the same note, I can't put into words how much I DO NOT CARE about whether the actors are involved with each other.  I am tired of seeing their faces on every celebrity magazine.

2) It disturbs me that teenage girls - and other people who should know better - are portraying the whole Edward/Bella thing as this perfect storybook romance when HE IS A FUCKING STALKER.  Seriously.  He watches her while she sleeps, follows her every move while she's out with her friends.  Not to mention he's ridiculously controlling; she's not allowed to make a single decision on her own.  Nobody should be holding this up as the romantic ideal.

3) The writing is not that great.  It is mostly a bunch of purple prose.

4) It's one thing to try and make "different" vampires and get another angle on a legend.  It's another thing entirely to make them SPARKLY.  Seriously, what the fuck is up with that?

5) Bella is a whiny bitch.  End of story.  So your boyfriend is a total jackass and decides to leave town with no warning and pretend he doesn't love you?  Here is what you do not do:  sit around for MONTHS in a state of apathetic nonbeing and do dangerous things just so he can hear his voice in your head.  It is not safe or healthy to have that kind of emotional dependence on someone.  This goes along with the whole romantic-ideal thing.  Don't teach girls that their boyfriend has to be their entire life and identity.  Please don't.  I dated someone who seemed to have this idea at least partially fixed in his head and it did not end well.  (For him, anyway.  My life's been back on track for a good long time now.)

I could go on, but my fingers are tired.

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Several weird things have happened over the past few days.  Some good, some bad.

1) I saw a girl in a corn suit.  When I asked her about it, she didn't want to talk about it and told me she was "just having one of those days".  So many questions.

2) My media class today was spent watching an episode of Boy Meets World and a bunch of Sesame Street clips on YouTube.

3) It was raining today, which apparently means I was too distracted by the raindrops to notice when a bird crapped on my head.

4) I discovered that buttered waffles with powdered sugar taste eerily like funnel cake.

5) I was told that having a good group of friends is like finding a power mushroom in Mario.

6) Conor was on Facebook before poetry class and saw that our professor was on too, so he sent him a message that said "GET TO CLASS".  He did.

7) I had a fucking DELICIOUS dining hall meal.  Seriously, this has not happened in at least a year.

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I tend to jot down things in my planner - on the planning spaces and in the margins.  Random phrases I think up, observations during class, things I think are interesting, notes I write to fellow classmates.  Here are some of them.  Some days are more productive in this area than others.

From the calendar pages - I love how we haven't talked about the book yet.

From 8/27 - Narcoleptic professor!

From the week of 8/31: TRUTHINESS

          Owls do not need a sleep aid, but sometimes badgers do.

          I had this corset on and I couldn't breathe in the damn thing.

          She illustrated an ionic bond by stealing someone's glasses.  EXCELLENT.

From the week of 9/7: Young white guys are the biggest audience for gangsta rap.

          "Instances of corpulency"

From the week of 9/14:  VICTORY SAUCE

          If I'm going to have two sore fingers, I want to at least have some bruises or something.

From 9/16:  COLD FUSION WTF

From the week of 9/21: I showed up to my prom driving a decidedly uncool red minivan that matched my dress.  Later, my friends and I danced the Time Warp in the glare of the headlights.

          I carry a short length of chain in my pocket in case I need to make a quick escape.

From the week of 9/28: My English professor wears unlaced, storm-blue Converse.

From 10/10: I discovered a few months ago that I was a plagiarist in elementary school.

From the week of 10/12: Such people should be immediately shot.

           I get headaches on Tuesdays.

           BABIES ARE NOT FORMED IN STOMACHS!   Stop talking!

From 10/17: The clouds are perched on the edge of the sky waiting to pounce.

         SUVS = SATAN

         Whale penis leather?

From the week of 10/19: "The snakes are like wooo!  I'm gonna come eat you!"

         Virus on bullets?

From 10/20: Thing is, I dream of hugs.

         When your life falls to pieces, don't blame me.

         I always think about kissing during biology class.

         They put a girl in front of us and we tear her apart.

         We've been eating a long time.

         You may have gone to school with Brad Pitt, but my dad went to camp with Superman.

         Salvador Dali was a sheep with spider hairs.

         I can't imagine ears would be very tasty.

        Did I spit in your coffee?  I can sure as hell make you wonder.

From the week of 10/26: Do not buy shark!

        Here's the flaw - it should say "time + money", which means the equation no longer makes sense.

From 10/27: "You're all cock and no fashion."

         "Men have nipples, but they're only used for twisting."

From 10/31: This will be a very good day.

From the week of 11/2:  Passing Laughter

From 11/9: Whoa!  Amber said something positive today!

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Dear iTunes,

Your Genius tool in the iTunes store is a very useful one for me, particularly since I recently lost a long list of potential CDs to buy and artists to check out.  I enjoy the fact that I can be matched up with artists that I would potentially like.

However, I have a few bones to pick with your system.

First of all, let me make this quite clear.  Just because I bought a few tracks from "Sesame Street" does not mean I like every note of children's music ever written.  "Sesame Street" music is clever and fun.  I do not want to hear "The Best of The Wiggles".  That show is stupid and demeaning.

Also, on that note, just because I like one soundtrack does not mean I am automatically going to like every other soundtrack.  I bought Where the Wild Things Are; that is very, very different from Gossip Girl.  Please realize this.

Finally, please stop showing me the same Fall Out Boy albums over and over again.  If I want to buy them, I will.

Sincerely,

Carly

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